i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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