well I can't set my house on fire every night
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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