just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
