Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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