So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Redeem this text for a blowjob
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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