Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
