she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
