she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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