There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
