There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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