did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
porn star boner night. come get it.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
