look no pants
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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