sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
