Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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