If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
lets start a swedish sibling band together
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
