After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
