i used baking grease as lip gloss
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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