is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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