ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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