I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
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