I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Randomize
