butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
