What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
