my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
