i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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