god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back