just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.