His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
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I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
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I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.