I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
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I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
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Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
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