i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
