I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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