The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
