Ambien. No doubt about it.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Semen is not good for contacts.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
