why didn't you poke me back
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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