Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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