help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
