the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
