In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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