we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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