He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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