I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
