i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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