for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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