Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
