I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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