Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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