I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
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