you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
