he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
