and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
