My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
