I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
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