Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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