I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
