we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
