you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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