hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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