Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
