my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
