anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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