i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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