Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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